Thirty Three

Turning another year older typically offers one the opportunity to look back not just on the last 12 months, but on one’s entire life in hindsight. It means connecting the dots, identifying key lessons, reminiscing about happy memories, and painful moments that left scars, both physical and emotional. These scars are precursors to the full chapters of our triumphant life stories.

Today, I stand at the cusp of major life changes, clear about my most important roles: father, husband, brother, son, and dear friend to many. Turning 33 means I have seven years to reach the proverbial 40, and seven years since I overcame major addictions that were like an anchor around my neck.

I have become comfortable with uncertainty. I have made peace with the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed and that change is the only constant. However, rather than living in fear, I have embraced the undeniable truth that pain and happiness are two sides of the same coin. The peaks and valleys of life never last, so I ought to enjoy everything life throws my way.

As men, we are conditioned to believe that our role is simply to provide for our loved ones. We wake before everyone else and come home in the dead of night, sacrificing everything to give our wives and kids the best, believing that’s all we are meant to do.

Thinking about my childhood now, I realise just how much my parents sacrificed to give my siblings and me a good life, which has unlocked a new level of respect and understanding for them. However, what stands out isn’t the life they worked hard to provide, but the time they spent with us. This means our kids wouldn’t really care if we took them to schools with annual tuition of a couple of millions, drove them around in the newest SUV, or bought them expensive toys. What they hold dear are the times we spend with them.

I am very close to my old man, think and speak highly of him. It just hit me that our relationship was built by his presence in my nascent years. In primary school, I looked forward to going home in the evenings because he would also come in early, serve me milk and pancakes, then sit and watch cartoons with me. We would laugh, chat, and debate about the latest technological inventions. Thereafter, he would help with my homework, have me read newspapers and books to expand my vocabulary. Most holidays were spent with him teaching me how to trade and customer experience. Entrusting me to count and store money in my bedroom, listening in when dealing with suppliers, resolving conflicts, buying land, and building structures instilled critical life skills that have propelled me in life. I often hear tales of how most people were afraid of their fathers growing up. I, on the other hand, would be sad whenever he travelled.

This perspective on fatherhood has also become more apparent in my role as a parent. I have always been someone who runs multiple projects concurrently, effectively working from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. on most days. However, the day my daughter was born turned my priorities around. I made a conscious decision to drop off a number of engagements, lose some streams of income, and instead spend more time with her and subsequent kids.

As a psychologist once told me, most men confuse being in close proximity to their children with being truly present in their lives. You may be physically around them, but not truly present. Presence means being actively involved in their lives, taking care of them, guiding and correcting them, and fully understanding every aspect of who they are, because they grow up so fast. Once they hit 13, the relationship and the lessons you impart shape a huge percentage of their adult lives.

Being a man, in general, is difficult. There are many roles to play, pressure to succeed at everything, and very little support from society. This can be overwhelming, which is why every man needs mentors, older men who can guide and support you through the perilous sea of manhood. Sadly, this is a role only another man can fulfil.

I am grateful to have a formidable team of mentors from diverse industries. Men who keep me in check, offer insights and guidance on weighty matters. Other young men often ask how I am able to get such benevolent men as mentors, probably thinking it requires deep networks and such. Nothing could be further from the truth. Older successful men were once young and went through the same problems hence are ready to mentor those who step up.

Case in point, earlier this year, a developer cleared a lush farm overlooking where I live and began constructing an apartment block. Every morning, I would watch from the window as they built this architectural marvel. A couple of weeks ago, I walked over to the construction site, met a shabbily dressed man at the gate whom I assumed was the watchman. I shook his hand and explained that I wanted to meet whoever was running the project and learn from him, as I was looking to start a similar project nearby. He invited me in and gave me a tour of the project. It turned out he was the owner. We spent the next three hours chatting about construction matters. He introduced me to reliable fundis, the most affordable material suppliers, and best practices. He guided me on how to go about my project, highlighting the mistakes he had made and even offered to come help me set up my site. And just like that, I got a new mentor.

Nature favours the bold. Using the same tactic, I have acquired other mentors, including successful entrepreneurs, corporate titans, and a military general, who have offered unique insights into life and made life-changing introductions.

** Missus is signalling me in the background to wrap up so we can leave in time for our lunch reservation**

Nonetheless, I am happy with where I am in all spheres of life. I am truly grateful for all the amazing people around me. I embrace the scars, curveballs, and losses that life has thrown my way, which have built my self-efficacy. This innate belief that I am unstoppable. However tumultuous life gets, or however broken I feel, I will claw my way through the furnace and achieve every goal I have. And ultimately, I will be the best version of a father, husband, brother, son, and friend I can be, because in the end what really matters isn’t earthly accolades, titles, or wealth we accumulate, but the impact and legacy we leave in the hearts of those we care about most.